Betty Crocker, Duncan Hines, Martha Stewart or Paula Deen, for goodness sake, can one of you give this girl a blue ribbon!

Words were uttered tonight I thougth I would never hear. No, not "you're too thin" or "eat some more, you're wasting away" or "have another cocktail" or "take a day off" or "get another dog" ... no these were words far more blissful ... "Wow, I think this is better than The Cupcakery!" I'm still in shock.

I decided to test bake tonight, Red Velvet Cupcakes, using a combination of recipes as, bless her heart, I just wasn't pleased with Paula's y'all. So with some reconfigurin' and innovatin' I developed Nannette's recipe, far superior to those before me who laid the foundation for cake mixes and television cooking shows.

I gathered my ingredients and set to work ... determined to beat the odds and bake a damn good red velvet cupcake, one that would make Paula cry, Martha fall to her knees and best of all my daddy praise the Lord ... (I come by my red velvet lovin' honestly y'all)!

The result: The happiest damn African you'll ever see, speaking the sweetest words I've ever heard, "It's better than The Cupcakery!"

Tomorrow's breakfast ....

Now a few hours later, we are all coming down from our batter licking, icing sucking, cupcake tasting fun - with sugar levels hitting all time lows, tempers are short and words are snappy, the pig is screaming, we are dehydrated and I have a headache. Was it worth it ... hell yes!

These are for my neighbor, you know, the one who makes up 'crap', literally, about my dogs ... if the rush of insulin doesn't kill her, well then the kindness will :)

Cupcakes were washed down with Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka, shipped courtesy of Cassandra, we just love her, more now than we did at before that box arrived, but that's neither here nor there ... 1/2 a bottle of vodka was missing, damn mailman! Can you imagine Sweet Tea Vodka to wash down home made Red Velvet Cupcakes ... y'all Paula can't do it right like that on the Food Network now can she ... she ain't got it all anymore ...

If this doesn't show you how good those cupcakes are then nothing will ...

Why is it when EMJ scrounges for food, butt up in the air, tongue firmly attached to the kitchen tiles, no one says anything to her, they just take a picture and say quietly, "it's the cushings" ... please, please next time I'm $10 into the dollar value menu, with plans for Dairy Queen and The Great American Cookie Company to follow, can someone say that about me, instead of reprimanding my lack of will power ... Seriously people ... It is the Cushings!!!

She really has no fear of getting her head stuck ... food is more important! That's my girl!

Well y'all, I'm tired. I have a press release to write and then some, and despite the fact that I can work clear through the night off of a bottle of wine, one lick of a cake batter bowl, suck as an icing beater and a cupcake later, y'all I'm done ... (how's my Paula y'all?)

For my Aunt Diane, who gave me the cookbook written by the woman I love to hate y'all ...

SO Wrong, Yet SO FUNNY, I cried

GHETTO PRAYER

LAWD BLESS ME AND MY GHETTO HOUZ,
MY GHETTO KIDS AND MY GHETTO SPOUSE
THANK YOU FOR THE LOAF OF BREAD,
THE GRAPE KOOLAID, SPAM AND LETTUCE HEAD
HELP ME LAWD TO FIND A JOB
CAUSE THE WELFARE CHECK IT AIN'T THAT LARGE
AND POOKIE, MY BROTHER, HE'S CATCHIN HELL
HE GOTS 60 MO DAYS IN DA COUNTY JAIL
SO BLESS HIM TO, SO HE'LL BE FREE
AND STOP DRINKIN DAT PLUCK AND SMOKIN DAT WEED

MY SISTER LAQUESHA, YOU KNOW SHE AINT RIGHT
I HEARD , SHE AND HER BOO GOT IN A FIGHT
LAWWWWD I'M PRAYIN FOR HER HARD
SO PLEASE GIVE HER A PLANSHOOT..SHE GOT 6 KIDS BY 7 DIFFERENT MEN

OH ...LAWD DONT FORGET TO BLESS MY RIDE
CAUSE THE OTHER DAY IT STOPPEDON THE NORTHWEST SIDE
AND I HAVE TO ADMIT I WAS A LITTLE SCARED
ALL DA WHITE FOLKS LOOKINLIKE I WAS AFTA DA KIDS

AND MY FOINE HUBBY DONT FORGET ABOUT HIM
HIS X-WIFE DUN UP THE FEE ON DACHILD SUPPORT BILL
LAWWWD I KNOW WE REALLY AINT MARRIED ,AND HE DOES HAVE A FLAW
BUT HE BEEN HERE FO 7 MONTHSSO I GUESS WE COMMON LAW
LAWD FIND SOMEWAY TO HELP US THROUGH ANOTHER DAY
AND I THANK YOU LAWD FO HEARIN MY GHETTO PRAYER TODAY

So so so so so wrong, yet the non-waterproof mascara is running down my face, oh lawd ...

Expect installments such as this regularly ... as I hit the jackpot Ghetto joke Web site today, and rather than being nice and just providing you with it, I am going to provide installments.

War Eagle and sadly ... Roll Tide

Big game day today in the Ferrell-Melamed house: AU vs. TN and GA vs. AL ... may the best team win.

I prepared game day snow cones for myself, Poor Steve he could only use red which confused him as to who to ally with ... ga, al, ga, al, ga, al ... bless his heart.

Auburn won ... shocker! and the world continued to be right ...

However, as the prime time SEC game rolled around, the TIDE turned and desperation hit our household, and many others ( households of UGA grads and fans ) .... It appears, the blackout did nothing more than prepare the DAWGS for their own funeral. The game was so boring the dogs slept through it ...

Fern looks concerned, as she knows what Tigers can do to DAWGS especially after the TIDE has washed them aside, the Gators have dragged them to a creek bottom and they have VOLUNTEERED many touchdowns ... she knows, sadly for Steve, she knows ...

UNTIL NEXT WEEK ... THE SEC, SOUTH PARK STYLE

Things to do before you are 40

I have more to add after careful thought:

• Experience zero gravity - I think this should help with sagging
• Kiss in Paris (after you get your hair done of course)
• Practice silent meditation
• Plan for retirement
• Learn to love yourself
• Learn another language
• Overcome a phobia
• Run a marathon (I tried this once)
• Meet someone online
• Eat Truffles
• Protect the environment
• Shoot something (watch out Steve)

It appears we like each other ...

It's the "let's pretend" edition of our blog as well as the "can my face really be that puffy" edition ... a two-for-one Friday!

The voices in my head

"Some people hear their own inner voices with
great clearness. And they live by what they hear. Such people
become crazy... or they become legend." -Jim Harrison

Old Magazine Timeless Advice

So I indulged in a spa night tonight at Signature Nail with my fave tech, Teddy. I was ridiculously intrigued by a Marie Claire next to my pedi chair and intently reading, take note of the wonderful fall fashions, when I came across an article that I thought my friends should read. I asked Teddy if I could tear them out and he said sure, take the whole magazine, it's 2 years old. Sure enough those fall fashion, delightful shoes, the Escade Perfume and the launch of Dior pink lip stick were all news in November 2006.

However the articles are timeless, so I will still share.

***The article still smells heavily of the Escada Princess it shared space with. Perfume that goes 2 years strong, now that's a bargain!

Twenty Things to Get Before You're 40

1. A dead serious piece of timeless clothing. Recommended, as YSL tux for weomen at $3560.





2. A look. You're not Madonna, so enough already with the bi-monthly reinventions. Figure it out and shop accordingly.


3. A piece of art. Consider an investment piece with which to start an actual art collection (money prints and ansel adams need not apply).


4. A first edition, of say To The Lighthouse ...


5. Fancy Luggage ( a matched set please). No more midcentury Samsonite. MC recommends the new Guccissima line.


6. Enlightened. http://www.dalailama.com/


7. A financial advisor. The hedge fund hottie one stool over at the bar doesn't count. (dammit, that was so what I thought)


8. A museum membership. Your place on the gala circuit and new found culture is the perfect place to display that dead serious piece of clothing you bought seven things back.


9. A mammogram.


10. A good cause. You cannot be your own favorite charity anymore. If your confused, asked number 7 (your financial advisor, hot or otherwise) to determine how much you should donate and do your own research to determine where to donate and why!


11. A real watch. Rubber on the wrist will not do with Number 1. Try a Cartier.


12. A big-ass tv. (On this one I protest, I mean really what does a woman need with a tv of large proportion? .... however with 18 minutes to the TWO HOUR season premier of McDreamy and McSteamy, a BIG-ASS TV might just be more important than numbers 1 -11).


13. A "smarty-pants" subscription, you know the magazines that will look good on your coffee table ... I've always been a fan of a combination of Architectural Digest, The Economist, The New Yorker, The American Scholar .... I must note that MC does recommend reading them more than you dust them.


14. A serious ride.


15. Away. Not to the brocade cushiness of Europe but a meaningful trip to Vietnam before McDonalds takes over or Mongolia ... a life changing third world experience.


16. Some classic cds. Ella, Billie, Coltrane ... Jazz makes you look cool and gets you laid, even after you have stopped caring about both.


17. Some classic DVDs. The Apartment, Some Like It Hot .... pushing The Devil Wears Prada into the Looney Tunes category.


18. A decent cup of coffee. Buh bye Mr. Coffee and hello Illy.


19. A destination hair cut. Paris or LA, wear ever you want, just once, at least once, spend money on something crazy and chic!! This is my fave and now tops on my 'bucket' list!


20. The rest - get busy, get pregnant, get ready, get on with it ...

ATLAH Daily Webcast - Manning Fierce Prayer for Bristol Palin

ATLAH Daily Webcast - Manning Fierce Prayer for Bristol Palin

Good stuff!

YES! ON PROP 2

YES! ON PROP 2

For the pigs ... We can't vote on this, but it's a good message and pretty funny too! Every pig should be free range! :)

Ah the beauty of political humor

Tears of frustration are now tears of laughter, continuous, laughter ...

The Funny Pages of My Life

Adventure - The Pink Pig

Adventure - The Pink Pig

I need Custard and Rhubard - stress - NEED

This reminds me, I need to get back to planning doggie social activites ...

Just when you thought you had heard enough about the dogs ... think again

Considering Etta Mae's "undiagnosed" diagnosis ... I decided it was best to cook for my canine cushiniod (i.e. cocker spaniel with Cushings Disease), so with the patience and help of my dear friend and canine nutrition/diet formulator extraordinare, Teri, Project Feed EMJ began this weekend. 800 spreadsheets later a few recipes emerged balanced exactly for her, her heart and her failing kidneys ... with the help a few key supplements. YAY! In the process, Teri used the word 'anal' in an email to me and basically told me to just feed the damn dog. I think she was tired of analyzing and reanalyzing my on whim ingredient changes and irrational need to add blueberries to the recipes (Teri won, we are blueberry free, and until the end of October, cranberry free as well).

So tonight, with the patience of Steve and 6 dogs, I decided to use my Martha know how, Teri's spreadsheets and the desire to 'fix' my ole girl and turn my kitchen into a culinary casita for canines ...

The result, 18 baggies of mush! Well, to be fair, of what looks like mush but is really a combination of free range meats, organic whole grains and a medley of yummy fruits and veggies .. all that will work together to keep EMJ's kidneys from working so hard and keep that Cushings tummy (the one that causes her to hunt food 24/7) full and satisfied.

I'm doing all this to in hope that this girl who is so full of spirit will also be able to be filled with vigorous life and a long life that isn't full of peeing and searching for food, or attacking a helpless pig for his food ... I fear without intervention she may one day realize he is food, but alas another problem we are working to prevent.



The bag of gourmet mush - one day's worth of delightful dining for EMJ!!! This day is a Moroccan delight - Turkey and Coucous ala Cocker





The dirty dishes to prove I did
it all by myself and trust me I have the dish pan hands to prove I
washed them too ... hello manicure where are you?







Some photos of EMJ so you can see where her hair is not growing. If my plan for holistic health fails can anyone recommend a good hairdresser that can provide her with a weave or some extensions? It's particularly bad near her collar. Some people, I won't mention names Stephanie, call her 'warty' ... how rude! We're gonna fix that - just remember Stephanie, don't cry when we won't pet your warty backside ...

Excuse me! Can we stop talking about food and give me some!!
The Cushings makes me this way ... (yeah, that's my excuse too!)

Now as if the above information wasn't enough to make you worry about us, get this ... EMJ is her mama's dog .. a pill popper at best! I thought we'd have a hard time getting some of her supplements in her, as once she spit a pill at me, aiming for my face ... not so my pill loving girl ate a human adult multi vitamin, 1/2 of a b complex and an Udo's 3-6-9 EFA pill as if they were chocolate coated Xanax ... makes you love her even more now right ... if only she had a glass of box wine to wash it down with. Brings a tear to my eye ...

In conclusion - love your dog or kennel of dogs! and if you decide to cook for them, do it right, plan it out and spend a few hours with an excel spreadsheet and some USDA nutrient data information ... some chicken, rice and Veg-all does not a complete diet make!



Tomorrow ... me as Sarah Palin. Stay tuned, it's worth a chuckle or 600!!!

The Cockers ...

In a world filled with unaccountable, irresponsible, stupid people, I am glad to have my vet on my side. Thankfully he doesn't fall into the above mentioned category of people .... the cockers thanks him too.

Both girls had an appointment on Saturday - Etta Mae had an urge to see Dr. Jason early and climbed on a table, knocked down a bowl of guacomole, shattered the bowl and proceeded to suck on broken glass chards ... I can't blame her, the guacomole was good. So she got an early visit on Friday with a follow up on Saturday with me and Snickers, Steve too.

Despite what the "rescue" vet stated, Etta Mae is far from healthy and her bloodwork is FAR from normal ... note people, always look at the blood work yourself, and familiarize yourself with the connotations of LOW and HIGH, this may keep your dog from suffering. So, Etta has a heart murmur, one notable enough to require medication and Cushings disease which is causing her kidneys to fail ... all of this was detected from the blood work done by the vet who said she was "Fine" ... so my old girl, my pity adoption, is going to have a dental to remove some teeth with exposed roots, get rid of the lingering bacteria which could futher damage her heart and get to take some heart meds daily. We have also decided to put her on Anipryl ( I think ) which will help with the progression of the Cushings and also alleviate some of the doggie dementia symptoms we are seeing. Aside from that, my friend Teri has formulated a homemade diet for Etta with the appropriate nutrient content for a girl experiencing her problems and supplements to support her heart and bad coat (from the Cushings). I wish someone would give a disease name to my fatness and psychoness ... alas nothing has been discovered.

Etta's condition won't cost a lot financially and doesn't really have an effect on our desire to care for her throughout the remainder of her life, but it does make me realize that people just aren't accountable and just really do not care. The bloodwork that I referred to was done on June 25, 2008 and since then, until the day I got my hands on it last week, no one has done anything for this poor girl to alleviate the symptoms she is experiencing. Cushings basically makes you feel liek you are on prednisone, which explains her extreme need for food and her frequent and untimely urination, as well as the increased water intake. I'm sure the other vet just thought she was a fat cocker with incontinence, which would explain why he put her on unhealthy doses of Proin for her "incontinence" - forgive me if I am wrong, but aren't vets supposed to investigate, diagnose and treat ... which one of these did this vet intend to do, as based on what I am seeing he did none.

Despite their inability to be accountable to the lives they cross, Steve and I will do our best to make sure this little girl, who is full of life, enjoys all of hers. And to think the idiots who allowed this to fester are telling themselves they "saved" her ... saving a dog is more than picking it up off he side of the road or taking it from an irresponsible owner ... but that soapbox is more than what can be contained by this blog ...

Nonetheless, Snickers bloodwork came back and she is A-OK ... Dr. Jason says she needs a dental, but I am convinced dentals is how he is savings for the boys (3 of them as of the 25th) ... kidding of course (in case he's reading).

One healthy cocker and one to go ... which I am sure with proper attention to diet will pave the way for a lot more life for Etta Mae Jones.

Seriously ...

I don't ask for much, but when I want something, I want it and I want it NOW ... so why is it that no where in the whole city of Las Vegas and Henderson too, can I find what I want.

A) a curtain rod for the master bedroom, even three small ones versus one long one will do.

B) rugs for the living room/office/entry area - I'm not asking for silk turkish, just not ugly

C) fall table settings for the breakfast room, again with a not ugly theme

My feet hurt, my eyes are tired and still another Sunday down with nothing. This can't be hard, others do it all the time, these are not super secret items. I fear having to find curtains for the living room now, as if I can't accomplish A-C then there is certainly not room for D ... I know, I know ... want some cheese with the wHine ... but seriously, is that really asking for too much?

On a better note, Kate Spade got upgraded to a new swinging bowl today thanks to her Auntie Al and her cousins, Julia Roberts and Regis Philbin. Bowl warming party invites will go out soon! Dress is Finny casual with an under the sea theme ...

Now we just have to find the best space in the house for her, somewhere safe away from the ever food hunting Etta Mae Jones, yet close enough to be a part of the family. So many decisions ...

My Sunday night football/Emmy watching crowd, Steve's legs and all

back to work, Sunday or not ... :)

Literature ...

If you pay attention ... as you should ... at the bottom of the blog, google show artwork from various children's book every day. After posting moments ago, I scrolled down to see the cover artwork from one of my MOST favorite children's books ...

Such a happy thing ...

Zumanity and the Zoo

Friday night was an adult night out with the sensual side of Cirque de Soleil, what I lovingly refer to as CDS Porn ... that's right, Zumanity ... nekkid people doing acrobatics. It was brilliant. They served drinks like Frenchy Passion and Silk Panties, as we all know how Steve likes his silk panties ... ;)

So Steve and I, joined by Cassandra and Ernest, and a Jim, who came in from Palm Springs to see C & E and take them back to PS for a few days. We had a lovely dinner where, as usual, we were stocked by the the paparazzi (those pictures to come as soon as I scan them in), off to Zumanity 10:30 p.m. showing at NYNY and then coffee and desert, finally at 2 a.m., way pass this Cinderella's pumpkin hour, we called it a night.

The evening called for boas .... I do say, Steve looks nice in Ostrich
(Note: how the heck to you get rid of Prednisone puffy face, hello blow fish me)


As if the boas weren't enough, Jim and Steve decided to sport "please me" and "tease me" underwear, neither would pose for me with the silk panty version ... chickens.

It was a wonderful night and we are sad to see our friends gone today ... I'm sure they'll be back as there more strip for them to explore and trouble for them to get into ... Plus Jim did promise me Cher!


After a 3 a.m. bed time, Steve and I got up this morning to take Snickers and Etta Mae Jones to the vet. Etta had a quick visit to see the good Dr. J yesterday after knocking a bowl of guacomole off the table, breaking it and then proceeding to not only eat the guac but also to try to suck any remnants off glass chips ... in her defense, I make a mean guacomole these days.

Since Dr. J felt Etta Mae needed some serious discussion on our part, she got to go back to Aloha this morning, with Snickers. Neither cocker was really pleased when they realized where they were being taken, so much for the thrill of the Saturday morning Starbucks trip ...
Are you kidding me ... the vet again?
This is the ride home, right after Snickers stole something food like I am pretty certain, Etta, however, is exhausted.

Snicks had some bloodwork to check her kidneys again and see what to do about her night wetting. Etta is another story, despite the vet the rescue used stating she was healthy (don't get your vet degree at walmart people) she has a very noticable heart murmur, Cushing disease, some kidney issues, and sight loss due to old age, all on top of SEVERE dental disease. What do we say here ... bless her heart! So we are going to start off with a dental and deal with the Cushings and kidney with diet and nutrition for right now.

All I can say my Vegas friends, use Aloha Animal Hospital, anything else is a waste of your time, your dogs life and your hard earned money. A proper diagnosis from a vet that actual has brain cells and a degree is priceless.

That being said, the neglect to Etta's condition is one of the MANY reasons I decided to resign as president from LV Cocker Rescue ... which is a whole other post, and one I promise to do later (after a nap) so that everyone understands what rescue really is .... I'll temporarily step off my soapbox for now ...

Here are a few candids of the pork, all wrapped up in his blanket, struggling to free himself ...

Playground of the gods ...

Cassandra and Ernest came in town last night and we had a lovely dinner and great fun catching up. They brought me some muscadines and thus were excused for not showing up with the required Chick-fil-a biscuits for Steve. So today, Steve and I took a half day at work and decided to embark on an outdoor adventure with Cassandra and Ernest ... so an hour later through nothing but desert wilderness, we arrived at the Valley of Fire ... known as playground of the gods ....

It was shockingly beautiful to get hit with all this red after driving through the muted, neutral desert ... it's just red, right there in the middle.


There are several noted spots in the park that have photo opps or trails and the beehives were the first one we stopped to check out, they were really cool, especially when you realize it is all the work of mother nature through wind and rain and natural erosion.

Whatever did Ernest find?

Winnie the Pooh and his experience getting stuck in rabbit's hole inspired these "holey" photos ..

I mean really, aren't we sort of cute? Even all sweaty and deserty?

As we hit a crossroads to visit the atlatl rock, go straight or turn right ... the decision was to turn right to check out the "scared" logs ... wow ... was that a bad decision ... they fenced in these logs, as if they are going to run away? Cassandra and Ernest stared hard trying to find the beauty ...

Next stop was the atlatl rock ... apparently there is a way to pronouce this, however I just prefer to call it the Atlanta rock (get it, atl atl) ... this was really cool, with huge stairs that took you up for a great view of the valley of fire as well as up close viewing of some of the ancient writing ...

Always on the look out for the newest creature I dedicated myself to follow these tracks ... teeny paw prints and a hoof ... do you know what they belong to?

Cassandra decided to help on the creature hunt and stooped down to see if anyone was home in this burrow ... no one answered.

One the way to Mouse's Tank, we did encounter this cuteness. It was so friendly and ran up to sniff our feet and hung out with us for a bit. He didn't want to come home with me, but at least he was friendly enough to say hello.

So at the end of a 1/2 mile trail was Mouse's Tank. It was a hideout for Moapa Indian that hid out there, he was apparently a little bit of trouble. Water gathers there and stays for months and months, allowing for water during periods when there is no rain (which is more often than not). Steve stepped in for a closer look and to see if he could also hide out.

It was at this point when Ernest decided to initiate a spider man crawl alike contest ... his yoga capabilities made him the clear winner, but the rest of us did try to be all spidey like ...

Spider Ernest

Spider African

With 1/4 mile left to the car and the sun fading fast, a lovely passerby agreed to take a group shot of a most enjoyable day in the desert. Exhaustion quickly changed dinner and dancing to bath and bed, but what a great day!